I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
