Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize