thus making me awesome and them whores
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
