Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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