Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
why do cheetos always look like penises
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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