alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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