the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
