i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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