dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
