dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
