I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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