saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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