The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
