you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize