Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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