don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
