You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
