Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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