if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Randomize