I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
