I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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