At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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