I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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