It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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