i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
