It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
