I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
