I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
