just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
