I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize