Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
