my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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