you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
