I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
