I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
