STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
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