I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize