What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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