Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
