Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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