hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
