My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
