i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
