but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
