If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
