Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
