Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
