you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
