it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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