Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
