Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
