ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
