do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
being pregnant is like rehab
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
