I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
