I bet he comes in French.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
