I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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