I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
