You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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