How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
