I accidentally had phone sex last night
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
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