okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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