Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
