I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
