Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I have feelings that need drinking.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
