he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
