i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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