The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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